Cinderella has become a monster

The loud knocking on the door rattled two bobbleheads off a shelf in the secret lab. Our resident expert opened the door and saw a familiar face ... but the body?! That had changed dramatically.

“Bracket Boy!” the visitor said in a husky voice. “Remember me? It’s Cinderella!”

“Holy cow, Cindy! Is that your Hummer double-parked outside? I thought you drove in a horse-drawn carriage. And those muscles! They can’t be from just scrubbing the floors.”

“Yup, been working out, boy. Feel my biceps. Go ahead — I SAID TOUCH THEM! And it’s natural, okay? 100 percent. I have never used steroids or HGH, no matter what my trainer, Brian McNamee, might tell you. HE IS A LIAR!!”

Yes, Bracket Boy has come to realize that the Cinderellas we all knew and loved in past seasons -- those plucky little teams like Valparaiso that only emerge when they shock a big-time program in the first round — are almost gone now.

These days, we have Monsterellas. We have teams that should be plucky underdogs, teams from tiny schools like Davidson or directional schools like South Alabama, except that they are every bit as good as most teams from the major conferences.

The trend, of course, started when Gonzaga proved it was consistently better than the seeds the selection committee was giving it. Then, it continued with George Mason shocking college basketball with a trip to the Final Four. Now, the Monsterellas are lean, mean ... and, well, can we get a Congressional hearing?

“HEY!” Monsterella screamed, the veins on her neck popping. “I said I was CLEAN, you scrawny little punk. You hear me?! If you’re not careful, I’ll throw a broken bat at you!”

So as BB cowered in the corner of the lab, he came up with these five Monsterellas that you’ll find in your bracket on Sunday:

DAVIDSON: The Wildcats have never been seeded higher than 13th in their past four tourney visits. But this season, they figure to be as high as a No. 7 seed — and they deserve it. They are a perfect 23-0 in the Southern Conference, and proved they could play with Top 10 teams in early season losses to North Carolina (72-68), Duke (79-73) and UCLA (75-63).

BUTLER: “The first analyst who calls the Bulldogs a Cinderella should have his tongue removed!” our expert said. This is a team that has spent much of the season in the Top 25, losing only three games this season by a combined 12 points. Although BB is convinced that head coach Brad Stevens is only 11 years old.

DRAKE: Interesting Drake fact: The school’s student newspaper is believed to have published the first “Paul is dead” hoax about Paul McCartney of The Beatles. That was 1969, and the Bulldogs went to the Final Four that year. “Drake is alive again!” BB said. “And so is Paul. I think. The ending of Strawberry Fields Forever still freaks me out, though.”

SOUTH ALABAMA: The Jaguars were stunned in the Sun Belt Conference semis, but they’ll still be in the tournament with a middle-of-the-pack seed. Guard Demetric Bennett leads the team with 20.1 points a game. “I call him “System,’” BB said. “Get it? Demetric System?! I slay me.”

ST. MARY’S: Some big-conference apologists do not think St. Mary’s deserves an at-large bid after losing in the West Coast Conference Tournament. “These people,” our man said, “are wrong.” The Gaels are 24-6 with quality victories over Oregon and Drake.

Another reason Bracket Boy has St. Mary’s in the field? “Monsterella has me in a headlock!” he yelped.
“I could pop you with my forearm!” she roared. “Forget the glass slipper, Bracket Boy. This Monsterella wears steal-tipped BOOTS!!”

EMAIL OF THE DAY

Bracket Boy was pleased to find “Maniac” Matt Maccaro, one of his favorite posters on BracketBoy.net, had dropped him a line.

Maniac writes: “First, I love what you’ve done with the Brog. Second, why were the ESPN announcers during the Sun Belt final convinced the Sun Belt would get two bids maybe three. Is there any way this actually could happen?

BB responds: “Matty, the Sun Belt will — and should — get two teams: Western Kentucky and the aforementioned South Alabama. But a third team? Billy Packer would be more likely to get an honorary degree at charm school.”

This column appeared in The Star-Ledger on March 14, 2008.