Picking losers proves to be expensive

SAN ANTONIO – Our deflated expert spent last night holed up at the Alamo, hiding from the angry mobs of loyal readers who listened to him and picked UCLA in their office pools.

“I figured nobody would ever get me here!” Bracket Boy said. “You know, just like Davy Crockett.”

While he was hiding, he figured it was a good time to start working on his expenses. BB has had some, uh, issues with the editor of the newspaper in the past about his expense reports. There was that time in New Orleans, for example, that he spent $87 on air.

“Hey, it was a really good vintage – a dry 1977, really hard to find,” he tried to explain.

Or that time in St. Louis when he spend $69 on shampoo.

“Bubble Boob!” his boss yelled when he submitted that one. “You’re bald, remember?!”

“I know,” BB explained. “I bought it for Vitale.”

As any business traveler knows, filling out an expense report is one of the most annoying and time-consuming parts of the job. Which is why BB decided he’d share his with his loyal readers, the few who are still paying attention after his bracket went bust again:

# Cabs – $24.87

# Postage and copying costs for his petition to the Red Cross to change the international symbol for choking to the interlocking North Carolina logo – $46.71.

# Long-distance phone calls to Kareem Abdul-Jabber at halftime of the UCLA-Memphis game, attempting to convince him to come out of retirement – $21.43.

# Self-help book for UCLA coach Ben Howland entitled, “How to Win The Big Game.” Forward by Marv Levy – $7.95.

# Tissues (for Carolina coach Roy Williams) – $748.50.

# Banana peels left on the floor of Memphis locker room – $4.25.

# Cabs – $24.35

# Three tubes of Head-On, applied directly to the forehead after the Memphis victory – $8.95

# Three bottles of Advil after the Head-On did not work – $12.30.

# Three bottles of Jack Daniels (to, uh, wash down the Advil) – $69.

# Postage and copying costs for his petition to the NCAA to have Davidson added as a fifth team in the Final Four – $46.71

# Body guards – $400.

# Bail money – $350.

# Cabs – $24.75.

# Fee to register the Web site, “DerrickRoseRuinedMyBracket.com.” – $89.95.

# Kneepads (for groveling) – $14.95

E-mail of the Day

Maybe BB should open a talent agency. He had plenty of e-mail from comedians yesterday.

“Hey Air Head,” Steve Koreivo from Byram Township writes. “After you’re fired, I have the perfect new career path for you: Fill your empty head with helium. You can become a weather balloon. Then you can make all the wrong predictions you want, just like all the other weather people!”

BB responds: “I considered that, but one image kept flashing through my head – the Hindenburg.”

Rick Shields must have a closet filled with whoopee cushions, because he’s an absolute riot.

“Dear Bubble Brain,” he writes. “UCLA over Memphis? I see a silver lining with your consistently bad picks and I would like to capitalize on it. Since the beginning of March Madness I have had Memphis going all the way. Please, please, please pick Kansas to win it all. That should be enough for Memphis to ice a win. Thanks!”

BB responds: “Sorry, I’m picking Memphis, but if you want I can send you some stock tips!”

Finally, Theodore Kharpertian offers this frank and accurate assessment: “The tournament makes fools of us all, expert and novice alike. This year is no different. As Brooklyn Dodgers fans used to say, ‘Wait ‘til next year.’”

BB responds: “I feel a strong connection to the Dodgers. In fact, if I actually pick a winner one of the years, I’m going to pack up and move my entire operation to L.A.”